No one tells you that when you're diagnosed with cancer, so much of the emotional turmoil and overwhelming nature of the situation won't have to do with the diagnosis at all, but with all the planning involved in having cancer.
My brother commented that it seems unfair for people with cancer to have to plan and pay when they didn't choose illness and all of its life interruptions.
There's the taking time off of work. Getting shifts covered by co-workers. Making calls to your insurance company (I thought I hated them before--true medical crisis takes hatred to a whole new level). Coordinating finances with medical providers. Tracking down a clear retainer to use in lieu of your nose ring so the piercing doesn't close while in surgery (wait, that one's just me?).
I stare at my computer, switching back and forth between my online banking homepage and my insurance company's summary of benefits. I try to figure out how this is all going to work. Why doesn't anyone tell you how expensive and annoying cancer will be? It's so distracting that you forget why you're making the calls and perusing the websites and adjusting work schedules in the first place.
I contacted my boss earlier to let her know that I will be having surgery on Monday, and that I will need to take next week off if it's not a problem. Her response made me cry, because it reminded me that this is about my cancer. She told me she's proud of me and that I'm going to kick this thing's butt.
I was thinking about my sweet Tobin, and how much money I've spent on him over the years without ever batting an eye. When it comes to caring for him, money is never a question or issue. I'll do whatever it takes. And then I realized that I need to extend that same grace towards myself. I am worth excellent treatment by a skilled physician. I am worth the cost. Why do I place his needs so high, while so easily discounting my own? Why do I apologetically ask my manger for time off to treat my cancer?
Reaching out to people for financial assistance has been hard and good. Hard, because I feel guilty asking people to help me fight cancer. Good, because it forces me to not fight cancer alone, which I would be prone to do. I would isolate myself and place the burden on my own shoulders and not want to inconvenience anyone.
But I realize that instead of being inconvenienced, people experience great joy in providing support. When it comes to those we love, we think about doing the best for them no matter the cost. I think sometimes I approach God in that same way, feeling like I am an inconvenience and burden or not believing in the gravity of His love for me. Having Tobin has allowed me to see that my love for him is not only mirrored by God's love for me, but that God's love is so exponentially beyond the love I'm capable of giving anyone or anything that it's truly beyond my comprehension. And He is the one in whom my well-being and care is entrusted.
I was told to not let red tape or insurance hoops stand in the way of the best care. I'm terrified to have my surgery done on Monday, not because they're cutting me open, but because of the bills I know will be arriving in the mail in a few weeks. But, I'm entrusting myself to the hands of the Greatest Physician and Provider, and trusting that He knows and sees my needs and already has a plan.
Jesus, calm my nerves.
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