Sometimes it's difficult for me to accept that my interests evolve. In my mind, I would like my life to reflect some kind of linear trajectory--logical and focused. I want the central unique purpose for which I was created to be obvious in all of my jobs and volunteer efforts, etc.
However, as I get older I realize that nothing in my life has ever (ever) gone according to plan. I wanted to be a missionary. That desire became more focused, and I decided that I wanted to work overseas with children. I wanted to attend a Christian college, where I thought that I would receive the best training for my intended career. I ended up at a (very good) state school. I started out majoring in Liberal Studies, and within only a few weeks of my first quarter of college discovered the program was not a good fit. I waffled in indecision over my major for nearly two years. My university approved a new bachelor's degree in Comparative Ethnic Studies. The program required two Ethnic Studies courses to switch majors. I registered for the prerequisite courses and applied to switch majors, not really knowing what Ethnic Studies was, but certain it would better prepare me for work overseas. I went overseas and worked as a missionary for a year. I hated it. I returned home to the U.S. and discovered that I actually really loved Ethnic Studies. I wanted to get my Ph.D. I was accepted into a doctoral program. I went to visit the school where the program was and I freaked out. Despite being offered a full fellowship, I decided not to go. I considered divinity school. I thought it would prepare me for religion-focused research in a doctoral program down the road. I tried two different divinity programs. I hated them both and dropped out of them both, one year after the other. I ended up working in special education at the same time I made the decision to get a master's degree in Women's Studies. I started the program, realized it wasn't a good fit, and then transferred into an interdisciplinary program that allowed me to take more education coursework. I graduated and got a job in special education and hated it. Now I'm in retail.
There has always been an innate drive to help people and make a difference in the world, but I don't know that I've ever pursued the best and most appropriate means of doing those things. I've chosen very extroverted and emotionally-draining roles, and as an INFJ and Highly Sensitive Person, I burn out quickly. I don't know that I've ever found a job that truly embraces all of my gifts without totally wiping me out on an emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical level.
I loved the Comparative Ethnic Studies program at Cal Poly, not just because the subject matter fascinated me, but because during that time my lifestyle was perfectly suited for my personality type. I spent countless hours pondering issues and ideas that were meaningful and aroused my passions for those treated unjustly. I was in class during the mornings, but had most of the day to work on projects or papers and make decisions about how I would manage my time. Focusing on the experiences of oppressed peoples made me feel like I was somehow making a difference in the world, if only because I was becoming a more aware world citizen--and thus could potentially educate others. I wrote and read and had engaging intellectual discussions. I worked for my professors doing editing and creating handouts and fliers, which tapped into my artistic sensibilities and need to organize and attend to details. I conducted oral history interviews for a number of ongoing projects, which allowed me to connect with people in deep and productive ways that were based on pre-determined questions and thus didn't exhaust me. In terms of my Clifton Strengths, Intellection, Responsibility, Relator, Input, Achiever, I was actively making use of all of my greatest assets.
The desire to go on for a Ph.D. was largely to mimic my undergraduate lifestyle, and not necessarily for the doctoral title or program itself. With a high strength of intellection, I am drawn to any role in which I have a significant amount of time dedicated to critical thinking and making connections between ideas. This is both a blessing and a curse. I love to contemplate and learn and study and focus on big ideas, but my interests are at times so diverse and disparate that it would be seemingly impossible to focus them into one doctoral program. Can't I just go to school forever?
The last few years have resulted in a significant amount of self-discovery and self-analysis. After I lived in China and discovered that I am an INFJ, my entire self-perception and worldview shifted. So much about myself finally made sense. When I discovered last year that I am also a Highly Sensitive Person, it was like the final piece of the puzzle fell into place. I'm not crazy. I don't think I am unique as an HSP who struggles with deciding on a career path. I wonder how many HSPs are also INFJs, and how many of them also have a strength of intellection? How many of them struggle with autoimmune disease or other physical manifestations of living in an over-stimulating world?
I've been thinking a lot lately about continuing on in my education. I really do love being in school. However, I feel paralyzed when it comes to choosing a program. There are so many programs, and it feels like choosing one would be at the expense of a whole realm of interests. It's also hard for me to choose a program without some kind of practical application in my mind's eye, because I want a job to be at the end of it, but I don't really know what job I want to do. Does the job I want even exist yet? Do I have to create my own job? I've been reading a lot of online articles lately that basically tell me that the best option for a Highly Sensitive Person is self-employment. That seems easier said than done. I'd love to work for myself, but what kind of business would I be creating in the first place? Can I get paid to think and organize? Wouldn't that be nice...?
I've thought about continuing my education in Disability Studies, pursuing psychology, becoming a naturopathic physician or nutritionist. I've considered doctoral programs in traditional fields like Sociology or Education, or nontraditional fields like Sex and Gender Studies. Unfortunately, Ph.D. programs require you to submit a focused research proposal with your application, and when it comes down to it, I don't really know what I want to study. Do I really want to conduct a major research project? Can't I just read and think without having to worry about a dissertation? Can't I just skip over all the politics of academia?
I know there are other people out there in the world that think and feel like I do. I wish I knew my tribe. I wish we could all band together and brainstorm and discover what each of us is meant to do. I don't always mind doing the work of self-discovery, but sometimes I feel stuck and want to move forward--but I just don't know how. I see so many of my peers that are happy and progressing in the normal socially acceptable ways. I don't necessarily compare myself to them, but it does leave me to wonder why I can't just make decisions and when I will actually take action steps to change my life. Will I ever really know what trajectory I'm on? If my past is indicative of the future, my path will never be linear. I think I'm in denial about this.
What do I want to do? What do I really want to do? I know I want to work in a quiet, scenic environment and have lots of time for thinking and reflection. I want to be able to do something creative. I want to be able to use my hands to organize--to sort and categorize. I don't want a boss hovering over me. I want my work to contribute to the greater good of humankind. My MAPP Career Test results list the following as my "top motivations":
- I have a strong preference to work under the supervision of someone who is knowledgeable. I seek clear direction. I like to "learn the ropes" and develop expertise.
- I am motivated to gather, record, departmentalize, store and retrieve information.
- I am talented at spatial measurement and arrangement, artistic ability for factual image reproduction, attention to detail, awareness of machines and their function, and tolerance of routine.
- I have the ability to remember exactly what was written or said.
- I perform well in roles where I feel I can share information that makes a positive difference to others.
- I am motivated to carry out instructions for routine tasks in a familiar environment.
I wish that someone could simply read that list and say, "Aha! I know exactly what you should do." Somehow, I think this journey of self-discovery is ongoing. As much as it pains me, I think that I will probably continue to try things and hate them as I whittle my way down to my true purpose. Or, perhaps my purpose is simply to be a sojourner trying all these things, never really knowing where I am headed, but trusting that God is in control nonetheless. Perhaps I am meant to experience as much life as possible so that I can relate better to and serve all people, and the true linearity of my trajectory is actually found in its inconsistency. If that's the case, Lord, give me a willing heart...
