As I lay in bed and contemplated the state of my relationship with God, the phrase that kept coming to mind was "centripetal force." I had a vague recollection of what the phrase means (something related to physics), but I wasn't sure if it would end up being the right word to describe the relationship that I hold so dear and yet confounds me in so many ways--and that has been rocked by pains inflicted by the church, my own uncertainties and questions, and years of chronic illness.
Despite past wounds, I still believe that God is good and is the truest, richest source of love. I do not think of Him and the church as one in the same. I think of the church as an organization made up of flawed people, doing their best to live out what they think is God's will. Sometimes I think churches do uncover and encounter God's will, and I believe that Christians do a great deal of good in the world. Other times, I think we fixate so much on our own agendas and belief systems that we lose sight of God's will, and thus start to construct our own versions of what we think His will would be.
A centripetal force is a force that makes a body follow a curved path. Essentially, a centripetal force is the relationship between a central object and the object orbiting around it. The force keeps an object circling its center. When I think about my relationship with God, this seems like a very appropriate analogy. Despite my waywardness and doubts, God continues to keep me orbiting around a fixed center--the fixed center that is Him.
Sometimes it feels like my life is one ongoing emotional upheaval. It's emotion after emotion after emotion. I feel as though I'm constantly checking in with myself about how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way, and at times the endless consideration becomes exhausting. Sometimes it feels as though happiness eludes me. No matter what or who I fill my life with or surround myself by, I seem to live with the subtle sense of emptiness or discontent. I never feel fully satisfied.
And perhaps that is because I was not made for this world. The centripetal force keeps me in orbit as I navigate a world of brokenness and pain, of beauty and joy. Life sometimes feels so complicated; people are so complex. Yet, I rest in a certain comfort, knowing that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I am still in orbit as the hand of the Great Centripetal Force keeps me ever in His presence. Despite my ever changing feelings and circumstances, I know that I can rely on His love, goodness, and faithfulness.
I pray He would help my eyes to be fixed on that central point around which I orbit, and not so much on ruminations about the path on which He has me. I want to rest in the peace of knowing that He still guides me.
