I found myself coming home in a bad mood for most of the week. My supervisor tells me it's due to some unusual planetary alignment that's going on right now. I blame my ongoing self-esteem issues. And perhaps the fact that my job keeps me so distracted and so busy and from living out my innate MBTI preferences that I come home from work feeling like I've been living as a false self. I have also been thinking more and more about relationships lately, and the fact that I would really like to get married--or at least have a romantic partner to share my heart and life with.
Getting older sometimes feels uncomfortable and sad and unsatisfying. So many of my friends are starting families, advanced on their career paths, making their marks on the world. Social media can be so dangerous because I find myself stalking contacts near and far, comparing my circumstances to theirs. It's easy for me to momentarily forget my chronic illnesses and struggles and cancer in those few seconds of comparison that lead to a snowballing of self-doubt and self-deprecation. I read somewhere this week that we should get off of social media because it's unfair for us to compare our own behind-the-scenes to a highlight reel of the people around us.
I've been feeling better the past few months. Meaning, I've been taking better care of myself. Meaning, I've had more energy to do my hair and make an effort with my outfits. I've been trying to treat myself with much grace, not pushing myself too hard or expecting too much of myself. I am just grateful to be alive and cancer-free and feeling mostly happy, and I don't want to upset what has become a semblance of balance.
At the same time, I realize that the person I present to the world is the person I present to the world. Not a deep statement, I know, but what I mean is that people don't know about my inward struggles at first meeting. All they see is my shell, a shell that often reflects the half-person that I often feel that I am. A half-person because of fatigue, exhaustion, pain, depression, and insecurity. A half-person because my energy is expended trying to support myself financially while dealing with constant emotional upheavals and health issues. A half-person because I often have to put hopes and dreams on hold as I attempt to make it in there here-and-now. A half-person because I spend the workweek functioning out of my inferior MBTI function.
As I often do, last night I turned to Google for advice. It's become a sort of Magic 8 Ball for me as I navigate a life of ill-health. When I did a search for "come home feeling bad about myself," the first search result was for an article from Tiny Buddha called "5 Tips to Stop Making Comparisons and Feeling Bad About Yourself." Sara Davies' 5 tips are:
- Appreciate what you do have.
- It's not a fair game.
- Things aren't always what they seem.
- If you must compare, compare to you.
- Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.
The third hit from my Google search was for an article on Psychology Today entitled "Social Media Makes Me Feel Bad About Myself." I do largely blame social networking for providing the ability to compare and assess ourselves in a matter of only a few seconds. If we slowed down to thoughtfully consider our self-talk in those few seconds, I think we would be both ashamed and surprised. I'm guessing that for most of us, the self-talk involves a lot of negativity, either because we envy the people around us, or because we make ourselves feel better at what others lack or where others are at in life.
Aside from social networking, I also find that having young co-workers has unearthed some personal feelings of self-doubt and comparison. Mostly because being around them immediately propels me back a decade, to a time before diagnoses and cancer and living a strict life. I am reminded of the freedom I had back then, the sense of choice and opportunity. It really felt like the world was my oyster, and I looked forward to travel and relationships and adventures. I was naturally self-confident, and I enjoyed being involved in social groups, discovering new cultures around the world, and meeting potential romantic partners.
As I've gotten older, my social groups have mostly disappeared, I haven't been able to travel, and romance has not been a top priority. Now that I'm finally feeling interested in having a boyfriend and possibly getting married at some point, I realize that I feel as though I lost an entire decade. Illness was my boyfriend. Medical treatments were my adventures. So, not only do my young co-workers remind me of what felt like a simpler time, but they also provide me with the opportunity to live the years that I feel like I lost. And, of course this is somewhat problematic, because I really can never get those years back. And based on brain development and life experience, I am further along than them in almost every way. But it seems as though my circumstances are more akin to theirs than to the circumstances of people my own age. I am mentally and emotionally more developed, yet the external reality of my life is almost exactly the same as theirs.
And this is what frightens me about the possibility of ever meeting a partner. How will he perceive me when he meets me? Will he judge me as the half-self I present to the world? How will he know what I've been through and why I am the way I am? Will he understand my circumstances? Am I in a place to meet someone? Can I be emotionally available to someone? Do I need to lose weight to meet someone? Do I need to be financially self-sufficient to be with someone? Am I pretty? Am I thin?
I know that I have a lot to offer someone on emotional and intellectual levels, but I fear that my circumstances and present-day realities will prevent me from finding love. But, is that a legitimate concern or just my own insecurity? I realize that opportunities to meet people my age in this area are few, but even if I did go somewhere else, how and where would I meet someone? The older I get, the less and less likely it seems that those questions can be answered. I know that God can work beyond my comprehension or planning, but I also realize the danger of expecting Him to do work while I choose not to be proactive.
I think for me the biggest hurdle is my own self-esteem battle, and for that I know I probably need to return to counseling. Chronic illness seems to infiltrate every component of life, and perhaps most strongly affects a person's self-perception. It's hard not to see myself as damaged goods or high maintenance or too much for someone to want to deal with. I keep thinking, "I'll wait until I'm thinner. I'll wait until my cute clothes fit. I'll wait until my upset stomach issues are resolved. I'll wait until I'm on my own. I'll wait until I have a real job. I'll wait until..."
But if I keep waiting, I fear I'll look back on most of my life as years lost. I don't want to perpetually feel ostracized from my own age group. I don't want to have to revert back to a time of lesser maturity in order to feel comfortable with my own life. I want to learn to move forward in my life at my age in a way that accepts my experiences and circumstances. I want to have confidence in what I have to offer the world and a potential partner. I don't want to feel like I have to fix myself, but I want to learn to accept myself as I am in the here-and-now. I want to extend grace and love to myself always. I want to trust God, and also see myself as He sees me. I don't want to look at my life as a mistake or disappointment, but I want to dwell on the ways in which my struggles have shaped the person I am. I want to be un-apologetically me. And I don't want to rate myself according to the Joneses.
I'm going to try to be more conscious of my self-talk. I'm going to try to stay away from social media stalking. I'm going to try to focus on a more meaningful relationship with God. I'm going to try to live as a whole-self, the self that He created me to be. May He give me self-compassion in the process.
